Most people ask the wrong question when a pattern keeps repeating. They ask why it keeps happening to them. The more honest question… and the one that actually leads somewhere is - Why You?
All of life is filled with patterns. Some that run your life. Some that run you. Some that run the world. Some that run infinitely.
And those patterns keep repeating until they are meant to end. They keep repeating until they are broken. They keep repeating until we’ve learnt from them. They keep repeating until we take radical action.
Why do we keep repeating a pattern?
The question to ask is..
Not why do people keep doing this to me again and again?
Not why does this keep happening only to me?
Not why do I get stuck in the same situation time and again?
But “Why me?”
Because… You are the common denominator, yes?
In my Buddhism course, there is a mantra we use for practice - “ The root of all suffering and attachments is within ourselves.
The unwise mistakenly believe that suffering and attachments come from the outside. Our attempts to find happiness and freedom by visiting various places and meeting different people are to no avail because happiness and freedom can never be found outside of our minds.
No matter what kinds of problems we may have, if we reflect deeply, we realize that the root of our afflictions is within us and that the mind itself is empty. With this realization, all of our suffering and attachments disappear right away.”
The key lines from this as it pertains to our current situation of patterns - “The unwise mistakenly believe that suffering and attachments come from the outside. Our attempts to find happiness and freedom by visiting various places and meeting different people are to no avail because happiness and freedom can never be found outside of our minds.”
When you are the common denominator in all of the patterns in your life, is it right to blame the other person or the situation or the world as a whole?
The problem here is in our minds the problems we have exist outside of us. A certain disassociation and shift of blame occurs when you think or say - They are doing this to me or this is happening to me.
This way it is easy to blame anything rather than think the problem may be in our own minds. It is okay if you did this unconsciously so far, but maybe now you can choose to see things differently.
How do you break a pattern?
Spirituality says - “The patterns that keep repeating in your life were meant to help you learn something. The people who were involved were meant to help you see the pattern. The situations that kept repeating were helping you understand what you were meant to uncover.”
Step 1: Find the Why
So begin by asking yourself the question “Why Me” knowing everything you know now - that the pattern kept repeating to help you learn something about yourself, a behavior or habit that you were unconsciously repeating but hoping for different results every time, a conditioned trait in you that needs to be stopped… Aka something in you that needs to be changed.
For example: Learning how to better manage money, learning that Saying Yes is not always a good thing, learning that you need to speak up, learning that people don’t change just because you want them to, learning to set better boundaries etc.
It is not enough to know what that pattern is, because if you don’t know Why - you might just keep repeating the pattern despite any action you take.
The point of a pattern is to help you learn and grow. And when you do that, the pattern stays broken.
Step 2: Break the pattern
Knowing your pattern and learning the “Why” itself does a lot of invisible work. Many assume that the work is done. But knowing and actually changing something requires Action.
Action is what anchors the change in you, in life, in this reality.
Action is what cements the change in your behavior.
Knowledge without action never translates to wisdom.
And you need to be wiser from the patterns you move through. Or you end up in them soon enough.
What is that action that breaks your pattern?
Your past actions tell you what didn’t work. Your past actions tell you what kept you stuck in the pattern. And all of that is knowledge.
This is where your “Why” comes in handy - knowing your why automatically tells you “What” action you need to take.
Knowing your behavior, habit, mindset, conditioning - tells you want change you need to make aka what action you need to take.
For example: Stop listening to people who say they can help you make money quickly, Start saying No to people who take advantage of you, Start being assertive and don’t let your power be taken away, Get out of a relationship that is causing more harm than good etc.
Some patterns may require just one radical action, while some need a series of actions over a period of time, while some require the repetition of the same action over and over until you rewire that pattern completely.
But taking the Action is what will break the pattern you are stuck in, and keep you out of it going forward.
What no one tells you about breaking patterns
It is easier said than done - From experience of breaking patterns in my life over 6 years, and helping so many women through those years… I can tell you it is not easy, but it is not impossible either
It is not easy to accept responsibility either when there is another human in the pattern who seems to be directly triggering you or impacting you. It might seem even more difficult to look at it through the lens of your growth and what you are meant to change - but that is the thing. It is about you, not them. The person will change, the situation will change - the pattern remains. So it is not about the person, it is about you.
Gratitude can make a world of difference - Gratitude for the lessons, gratitude to the souls that helped you see, gratitude to the situations that helped you grow. When you are grateful that all of it happened so you could learn, change, grow and evolve as a human… then it makes it that much more easier to break through the pattern.
It may take more than just one action to break a pattern - some patterns are surface level, some are deeper, some are so ingrained in you that it seems like that is who you are. But all patterns can be changed, some are broken quickly and some take much longer. But they can all be broken.
You don’t uncover patterns in your life until you are meant to. You start seeing them when it is time for you to break them. And what doesn’t change, repeats.
Most importantly, Nothing changes until you change. You can keep expecting the other person to change, the situation to change, things to get fixed on their own… but nothing will actually change. You are the one who needs to make the change.
Inside Eunoia, you will find all the tools and practices you need to help you break the patterns in your life… along with so many others. If you are a woman, who’d like support and guidance, along with the company of other women doing the same… Doors to Eunoia are always open.
Is there a pattern you want to break? Let me know by replying or by commenting below. I would love to help you see what you may be missing.
Written by Reshma Bangarimath - Spiritual Coach, Akashic Records Healer & Author of Speak Your Magic | Hyderabad, India · reshmabangarimath.in
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